Southern rail has announced that it will replace its fleet of trains with travelators, as a dispute with drivers has turned hundreds of thousands of Green-voting liberal Brighton residents into an angry, murderous mob.

Southern rail CEO Charles Horton commented: “Turns out that our plan to axe 341 train services has been about as popular as Mike Tyson among feminists.

"Yesterday we met for a thought shower, and our collective blue-sky thinking has solved the problem once and for all.

"Our plan is to dig up the rails, sell them for scrap along with our trains, and replace them with travelators.

“Pallet-type travelators are practical, non-slip and, with a top speed of 100 feet per minute, a person could travel the 53.6 miles from London to Brighton in just 47 hours.

“If they walked, instead of just standing on the right like a fat person on the Underground, they would probably get there a bit faster - I just don’t know how to do the maths to work out exactly how long. In any case, it doesn’t matter, the point is they’d get there.

“The other great thing is that our cancellation record would be reduced from 92.3% to 0% so my great hope is that Caroline Lucas might stop putting dog poo through my letter box. I’ve just paid for a new shagpile carpet and sometimes it leaks through the bag and it really absorbs into the fibres.”